That Drifting Poo Was Far Too Meaningful! It's the Television Letdowns of the Year.
Looking back, we reflect on the television offerings of the recent year, a handful of series stand out not for their excellence, but for their spectacular shortcomings. Ranging from awkward spin-offs to bafflingly poor docuseries, here are the productions that had us utterly bewildered or simply reaching for the remote.
The 'Sex and the City' Sequel
Where to begin with this divisive follow-up? Plagued with dreadful writing, cringe-inducing arcs (we demand better for Miranda!), and a mere 71 seconds of beloved Samantha, the show fought to find its footing. Briefly, as the third season started, it seemed as if it had at last hit its stride. Then arrived an episode all about Seema’s natural deodorant. Little surprise the showrunner announced this would be the final season. It concluded on a bum note; the closeup of Miranda’s toilet flooded with poo was simply too on-the-nose. Still, fans undeniably had a hoot picking apart every single “what on earth?” moment. And as Carrie – a single woman once more – twirled around her palatial townhouse to Barry White, who couldn't release a small sob?
All’s Fair
‘Is Kim Kardashian an actress? The answer is a resounding no.’
But that was almost the smallest of this show's problems. The subject of a exceedingly uncommon zero star assessment, it was difficult to know where to begin enumerating the problems. The laughably wooden dialogue? The mind-numbing glorification of wealth and consumption? The seemingly wilful procession of tropes? Performances so bad they felt borderline malicious? Let’s just say “each and every one” and forget about this series again. Except, a second season has been commissioned, so we’re likely going to have to.
The Charlie Sheen Documentary
Given the legal troubles, domestic violence allegations and parental failures, it’s reasonable to say Charlie Sheen has been a bad boy. Not that you’d really have gleaned it from this three-part docuseries which chuckled along at Sheen’s various bouts of self-destructive hedonism while struggling to tell us anything we didn’t already know. Instead, it felt as if this volatile personality was being indulged, so any sympathy this series might evoke should be saved for the people who have had to endure proximity with this charming but flippant narcissist.
The Supercomputer Drama
Naturally we knew it was ridiculous from the outset: a thriller about a supercomputer known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either save the world – or destroy all of humanity. We persevered out of pure love for its stars … but by the end, it felt like even they had stopped bothering. One scarcely cared when his character died, and the other ultimately slicing Charlie with an axe … in painfully slow-motion. Talk about giving up the ghost.
The Gangster Drama
Dodgy figures meeting in empty boxing gyms? A certain band's Firestarter jackhammering away in club scenes? The late 90s called and wants its crime drama back.
In truth, that is unfair on the gangland dramas of the late 90s. Many seem a bit dated now, but at least they didn’t endure the ignominy of having to accommodate baffling accents. But there were plenty of other issues. Primarily that it was just profoundly dull; a dispute over narcotics territory between various cockney picaresques which seemed rather simplistic.
The Meghan Markle Series
Considering the degree to which she grinds the gears of certain performatively angry commentators, it’s temptingly tempting to admire the Duchess of Sussex’s televised ventures into quaint lifestyle as intentional statements. But then you watch them and are forced to concede that in this case, they may have a point. It’s like watching a homeware catalogue animated; a meme for wine o’clock with ideas of grandeur; a parade of snoozing dogs, buzzing beehives, Hallmark sayings and forgettable crafting “tips” you’ll not remember instantly. All supported by vast, largely unearned wealth. Ugh.
The Beckham Documentary
There are clearly fascinating things to be said about both Victoria Beckham and her journey with vocation, identity, self-acceptance. But for some reason, this documentary series opted not to say them. Instead, the viewing was like consuming a marketing brochure. She clearly has good reason to resent what she describes as her “stern” image. But sadly, she didn’t do herself any favours with this guarded non-event of a series.
The Game Show
It had the potential to be the next big hit – except even more extravagant, with a famous star playing dead and a well-known personality managing her inheritance. What more could you ask for? As players competed, there was plenty of betrayal and arguing. But the rules quickly became bewildering: it’s still too complicated to explain what exactly was happening. Even more regrettably, we only saw glimpses of the star via prerecorded videos. The series ended up smelling of a programme that was straining desperately to live up to something far greater than it.
Too Much
How do you succeed a show that defined a generation? The pressure was immense for this starry romcom about Jessica, a rosy-eyed New Yorker who arrives in London with a broken heart. The star seized the opportunity by the horns and was joyous to watch, embodying Jane Austen levels of romantic notions. But it was all very glossy and, paradoxically, was insufficient. Plus, the abundance of celebrity friends involved felt uncomfortable.
Mitchell & Webb Are Not Helping
Not even good enough to be ‘patchy’.
Given the smart inclusion of gifted emerging comics, hopes were high. But unhappily, most of it fell flat. A recurring sketch was a single joke milked to a dry pulp but recurring in every episode. One star seemed too ready to slip into a familiar ranting mode. The behind-the-scenes sketches, meanwhile, simply inspired the thought that they should probably have remained in there a while longer.
The Twisted Tale of Amanda Knox
This retelling of the story of Amanda Knox was overseen by Amanda Knox and pretty much solely showcased the perspective of Amanda Knox. So, while there undoubtedly is an interesting drama to be made about the horrific 2007 murder, this isn’t it. The material needed to be treated sensitively. Rather, the series struggled painfully to find the right voice, lurching from strangely breezy, somewhat stylised farce to ultimately, real-life horror. Complex? Arguably. A total mess? Absolutely.
The Maths Genius Thriller
We admire the star … but did we believe him playing the greatest maths genius in history, a man so smart he’s on the brink of a discovery that could ruin society? No! This international thriller about secret services targeting – and killing off – intellectuals frankly got more farcical by the second. Silliness-by-numbers.
1000 Men and Me: The Bonnie Blue Story
This uncritical portrait followed the content creator notorious for explicit escapades as she undertook her most extreme challenge yet. What on earth would possess her? What we wanted was way more interrogation of her actual psyche, plus those of the men in the line. They could at least have interviewed the now-famous mum who showed up to drag her son out of the queue. What we got was disturbing imagery and zero critical analysis of her infamy whatsoever. It's staggering to consider, the filmmaker has a young daughter too.
